Dichotomom
The reason I named my blog Dichotomous is because my friends used to make fun of me because I would preface many things by saying, "well, half of me feels (fill in the blank here), but half of me feels (fill in the blank with just about the opposite of what was in previous blank), too. They always said the song "Heart and Soul" by T'Pau (I know I'm totally dating myself here) reminded them of me because the woman was talking and singing at the same time. It's not that I'm indecisive, mind you; I just have two fairly distinct sides who argue with one another frequently. Anyway, my point is that I once again cannot escape the dichotomousness (not a real word, I know, but if the prez can do it, why can't I?) of my life. I knew leaving a full time job and friends I loved would be hard, and becoming a stay-at-home mom would be even harder, but I didn't realize I would enter a duplicitous world, where I'm not truly happy on either side. Let me explain. There is quite a nasty underbelly to the SAH mom's network; one I could never have guessed existed. Also, because I still work, albeit from home, I have a corporate facet of my life that I still can't come to terms with.

To explain further, the first dichotomy is the SAH mom thing. Becoming a SAH mom is hard, especially when you're in a new town and have always worked a full-time job. It's like boot-camp, but lasts much longer than six weeks. The transition is physically and emotionally exhausting. (Six months later, I'm still transitioning, by the way). So when I first came here, I went to the library often and sought a Mom's Group so I could meet other moms, introduce Ty and Ethan to some new friends and hopefully gain advice, camaraderie and an occasional playgroup. I thought most other mom's must be like me: not so sure of what they were doing all the time, craving adult interaction, and mostly looking to make sure their children are well adjusted and learn how to play with other kids. What I've found is that many of these women are unfriendly, cliquish, self-righteous and judging. I don't think I've found any other SAH mom yet who hasn't been a SAH mom since their child was born, like me. And I've only found one other who also does freelance work from home. It's almost as if you have to choose one or the other as your profession from day one: be a SAH mom, or go to work and abandon your family to be raised by strangers. So here's the dichotomy: I joined the group to make friends for me and my boys,which the group is said to promote, yet many of the women in the group only speak to the women they've always known (there are several cliques) and make judgments on how others parent. It's almost like a thirty-something high school. I've decided I'm going to change the group, or at least help the one friend I've made in the group change it. It's ridiculous. I'm sure I'll write more of the Club in the future.

The second dichotomy: work. I've always said I want to be employed only in the non-profit sector, because of some beliefs on Corporate America I've had since college. I loved working in education and it fit my ideals well. Now, I'm so far from non-profit, it churns my stomach. Granted I do most of my work from home, but the one day every two weeks that I have to go into the office, I am seduced into a false world. I have access to the most desired database in the state -- the most wealthy and influential people Colorado has to offer. In the "office" I am surrounded by beauty and the best of everything. It is seductive and for a mere moment, makes me think I'm important, until I realize that I'm serving these wealthy and often irritating people, whose money I'm not sure is clean. I could be taking unclean money! One client has owned a brewery for generations -- a brewery whose beer I have sworn off for as long as I can remember and recommended others to do so because I know their advertising tactics are misleading and potentially harmful. However, the job and people I work for have been very good for me. The person whom I do most of my contract work for is wonderful and has been very supportive of me working from home to care for my children. They make me feel important, like what I'm doing really makes a difference and that makes me feel good. The dichotomy: I feel good for doing well at my job, but by doing well, I'm promoting many things I stand against, which makes me feel horrible.

In the end, even staying at home and working is dichotomous. And I'm not even talking about the scheduling and responsibilities here, just the emotional and social aspect. It's almost as if you can't be a SAH mom and work. They are certainly two very distinct and different worlds and cultures. I'm trying to be part of both, and I'm not sure I'm succeeding. When I worked full-time, I remember admiring women who stayed at home, but at the same time I guess I felt a bit superior because I was intellectually stimulated and ambitious. I'll tell you, though, I've found that most SAH moms look down on those who work. It's like two warring groups. Now that I'm blessed enough to stay at home, even though I do have to work to make ends meet, I've seen a side of SAH moms that I am ashamed of, but recall with shame some of my thoughts of SAH moms when I was working full time. Maybe I'll start a new Mom's Club for all mom's that includes support for working moms, political and career discussion groups, and a credo to be open to and admiring of all moms just for being a mom, the most important job title of all (let's face it, at the Grammy's do you ever hear someone say, "I'd like to that the executive director of XYZ? No, they thank mom!).

Spring Warming Up its Sprangythang
The birds were singing this morning for the first time in a long, long time. In Virginia, they sang every morning, regardless of the season. I think it's because the nights aren't as cold there. In Virginia, they have what my friends and I call "walk outside naked at midnight" weather. Colorado? Not so much. Anyway, it was great to hear them again. I don't think I realize how much I missed them until I heard them this morning. The birds are completely different here, of course (bye bye cardinals!), but the song is still wonderful music. If only Jeff were here to tell me what I'm listening to!