"It's always darkest before the dawn." Those were the words that struck me in this song. They struck me because 2 days before I had first heard this song, I wrote those exact words down on a piece of paper and carried that piece of paper with me everywhere (in my bra if we want to be truly honest here, next to my heart).  Then I heard this song, and I had to laugh. Because if we can't laugh at our circumstances, all we'll do is cry. The irony.

Anyway, I was carrying those words with me because I've had way too many "drinks in the dark at the end of my rope" over the past year and a half. I was just starting to feel like I had strengthened after I took the left fork in my road instead of the right, when, in the past few weeks, things started to crumble yet again.  I've questioned my choices,  had my workload double, and seen a shuffling old man get run over by a car.

I had that stanza in my bra for a week or so. Heard the song. Laughed. Felt strength. Felt like I could move forward into the future as optimistic as I've ever been. Had a wonderful night with my sisters, listening to amazing music in downtown Denver, dancing off the Devil with a smile on my face and my sisters surrounding me. When I wake up, all I see are beautiful fall branches through the skylight, swaying with the wind (I have a thing for trees, so just bear with …) and I felt happy. Regardless of the stress, the heartbreak, the everything that can be what life is, I had a moment of true happiness. We laughed and recapped the night, then headed out to  some Pho shop way across town. The best in Denver according to my lil sis. As I sat at the stoplight behind her, with my big sis in the car with me (to ensure I didn't get lost, I'm sure), I saw a hunched over man shuffling oh so slowly across a the busy Denver intersection not 20 feet in front of me. The word "awwww" had just come out with my breath and it happened. I don't want to explain it. I see if 50 times a day in my head and have to shake it off with a shudder. I wish beyond wishes I could forget it.

But my point is this: I embrace the philosophy of live for now, but is that what I'm doing? People always say "live like you're dying" but have they really seen someone live their last second of life? They're still living for what's practical. That's what I'm doing, no matter what I say, or whatever ideals I feel like I embody. Seeing that old man being hit haunts me. It's paralyzed me. Because if I lived for me, for today, I'd be on a plane to another country.

I remember when I was nine I told my mom I would change the world. I truly believed I could. I wanted move love. Everywhere.  She looked at me earnestly and said, "Stephanie, one person can't change the world, sweetie." It was said with such love. And you know what I said back? "Mom, do you have a crystal ball in front of you? Do you KNOW I can't change the world? No? Then don't say it. One person can do it." I was such a snot. But I still believe that. I'm no Ghandi, but we can all do something that enacts some chain reaction. I still truly believe that. I've been so involved in my personal labrynth that I've forgot what I wanted at 9, which was to make some change on this crazy ass whirling dirvish of a planet.

So, let's go. Let's do this thing.  I will.