The sun, she's coming 'round again
how i've missed her warmth upon my skin

dark yesterdays left behind
when my heart ripped apart and scars wouldn't mend,
the neverending pit in my stomach left me no soul to lend

but now, the sun, she's coming 'round again
and i can feel her warmth upon my skin

"It's always darkest before the dawn." Those were the words that struck me in this song. They struck me because 2 days before I had first heard this song, I wrote those exact words down on a piece of paper and carried that piece of paper with me everywhere (in my bra if we want to be truly honest here, next to my heart).  Then I heard this song, and I had to laugh. Because if we can't laugh at our circumstances, all we'll do is cry. The irony.

Anyway, I was carrying those words with me because I've had way too many "drinks in the dark at the end of my rope" over the past year and a half. I was just starting to feel like I had strengthened after I took the left fork in my road instead of the right, when, in the past few weeks, things started to crumble yet again.  I've questioned my choices,  had my workload double, and seen a shuffling old man get run over by a car.

I had that stanza in my bra for a week or so. Heard the song. Laughed. Felt strength. Felt like I could move forward into the future as optimistic as I've ever been. Had a wonderful night with my sisters, listening to amazing music in downtown Denver, dancing off the Devil with a smile on my face and my sisters surrounding me. When I wake up, all I see are beautiful fall branches through the skylight, swaying with the wind (I have a thing for trees, so just bear with …) and I felt happy. Regardless of the stress, the heartbreak, the everything that can be what life is, I had a moment of true happiness. We laughed and recapped the night, then headed out to  some Pho shop way across town. The best in Denver according to my lil sis. As I sat at the stoplight behind her, with my big sis in the car with me (to ensure I didn't get lost, I'm sure), I saw a hunched over man shuffling oh so slowly across a the busy Denver intersection not 20 feet in front of me. The word "awwww" had just come out with my breath and it happened. I don't want to explain it. I see if 50 times a day in my head and have to shake it off with a shudder. I wish beyond wishes I could forget it.

But my point is this: I embrace the philosophy of live for now, but is that what I'm doing? People always say "live like you're dying" but have they really seen someone live their last second of life? They're still living for what's practical. That's what I'm doing, no matter what I say, or whatever ideals I feel like I embody. Seeing that old man being hit haunts me. It's paralyzed me. Because if I lived for me, for today, I'd be on a plane to another country.

I remember when I was nine I told my mom I would change the world. I truly believed I could. I wanted move love. Everywhere.  She looked at me earnestly and said, "Stephanie, one person can't change the world, sweetie." It was said with such love. And you know what I said back? "Mom, do you have a crystal ball in front of you? Do you KNOW I can't change the world? No? Then don't say it. One person can do it." I was such a snot. But I still believe that. I'm no Ghandi, but we can all do something that enacts some chain reaction. I still truly believe that. I've been so involved in my personal labrynth that I've forgot what I wanted at 9, which was to make some change on this crazy ass whirling dirvish of a planet.

So, let's go. Let's do this thing.  I will.

Ode to my doggies

What started out as a great day - beautiful Colorado cloudless sky, crisp fall morning, kids to school on time, a couple hours work at my fav coffee shop with the perfect breakfast burrito and hot Americano, 3 deadlines met - unexpectedly turned icky with, um, well, work, unexpected criticism, blah, blah, blah. Man, that's so hard to admit for a person who prides herself on having a balanced perspective. We are all human however, and subject to the same pressures ( well most of us anyway). So, what saved me from a night wallowing in self pity? These two (and a couple glasses of wine, homemade popcorn, and funny tv to be honest).



They stuck by my side all night, like they knew something was wrong. Sash is actually breathing on my elbow right now. So lucky for these two. Makes me miss Quincy even more. Sometimes I think animals know our souls even more than we do. Smooch your puppies and kitties tonight everyone! They know more than you think they do.

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Things that make me smile

My mom gave me this bamboo when it got too tall for her apartment. A tiny side sprout on it fell off within a month at my house. Made me so sad. A few weeks later, another baby grew in its place. This is said baby sprout, growing and growing. Every time I see it, it makes me happy. I helped create life!! Haha, I'm so dramatic, I know, but seriously, it feels good to be able to do that. Now, if I could only do something about the spindly geranium in my kitchen that hasn't seen a flower since I brought it home from the greenhouse ...



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I'm so geeked out about this ...

Writing again ... grateful ... <3

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

Wow. That was pretty severe. Yes, I have those moments. You all know that. Little miss toughie tough crumbles a bit from time to time and just has to get it out. Well, it's out.

I've been listening to Florence on repeat a few days now. It's amazing how Dog Days Are Over (posted earlier) makes it impossible for me to sit still (I just have to dance or at least bust a shoulder move in the car) and makes my heart soar, while this song impels me to find the nearest heavy bag and pound until my fists are bloody or lace up the runners and hit the hills and never come back. She's an amazing writer and it's such a gift she has to be able to trigger such strong emotions, well, at least in me.

I think at times we've all felt heavy in someone's arms before. Like our love is a burden and not a gift. I'm learning, slowly but surely, that a) the trick is to just be true to your heart, be patient, and try to love without expectation or judgment for the sake of love itself and b) I prolly shouldn't listen to this song while drinking Malbec. :)

Peace, people, and oh yeah, love. <3

Yup.

You ever want to scream? Just fucking scream? Yup. my love has concrete feet ...

4 days later ...

What I wouldn't give to go back and have my only thoughts be about how soothing the sun's rays are on my skin and how soft the sand feels against my bare belly; the only sounds are the waves crashing on the rocks and the skaters' wheels cracking the concrete when they make a trick; the only smells are the salty air and hamburgers from the cafe. It only took four days for the heavy weight of reality to come smacking back down on me. And I'm pretty sure she's been pigging out on snickers bars and French bread in my absence. Why else would she feel so much heavier?

Trying to think happy thoughts ...

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Garden lurve

Testing out a new blogging app on the phone so I can post from the beach this weekend! This is my favorite heirloom tomato from my garden this summer. It's purple inside!


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My new little addition. (Done by the artist who tattood Lil Wayne, might I add.) Love! <3

Awwwww! Fireworks lurve. ;) Happy birthday USA! 

Colorado blue sky and snow in June. On the way to steamboat last weekend. Love!

I thought maybe I'd write a bit about the picture of my pond below; one of my happy places. Lounging with a glass of wine, listening to the pond's happy gurgle, smelling the Iris and soaking in all the pinks, purples and greens of the primrose and phlox is a spring/summer highlight for me. The first night it's warm enough to sit by it, I throw on some David Gray, pour a big glass of white and head out, giddy with excitement. It's the true beginning of summer for me.  The boys mow the lawn and I wrap up in a blanket, think about what I'm going to plant that summer, smell all the new flowers blooming, teach Sara their names, drink my wine and watch the sun go down. If it's a weekend, we light a fire in the fireplace on the patio and eat s'mores. Happiness.

I think one of the reasons I love this part of my yard so much is because it's grown to something peaceful and beautiful, though it wasn't always that way. When we first moved into this house in '03 I hated this berm.  It was a big hilly lump of heavy clay soil in which nothing would grow. I've planted hundreds of dollars worth of plants in what I used to call the Northwest Berm (now the Pond Berm, go figure) in my annual gardening plans. It made me sad to even look at it. One day, staring at it out of my kitchen window, I'd had it.  It was either flatten it out and sod it, or (lightbulb!) build a pond.

The day Brian started digging I took my dog, Quincy, to the vet for his annual check-up. I found out that day that he had heart disease. I came back from the appointment and Brian was so proud of the progress he had made in digging the pond I had wanted so badly. I plopped down on the edge, feet dangling down, and wept, with Q right next to me. The dog that was the straw (another story entirely), had a month to a year left in his squirrelly little life.  Here Brian was so happy of his accomplishment and all I could do was cry.

Q lived over a year from when we built that pond. He died the fall of the following year, and probably dug up half the plants I built around it in that time. But, it's still beautiful. And when I look at the pond, I think of how sad I was when I sat on the edge of that empty pit and how beautiful and full it became by the time Q died, just like a sick little puppy found on the side of the road in a tobacco field in Virginia found a happy life. I think about what a lifeless, horrible lump of clay it was and how it was molded and transformed into something peaceful and happy, something I look forward to looking at each day. It reminds me that even when things feel horrible, good things can happen and that beauty and happiness can come with a little faith, patience, and perseverance.

My happy place. :)

Lunch on the lake. 

Ahhhhh! Peony season. :)

Testing, 1, 2, 3 ... Learning to photoblog from the phone ...

If it's true that you are what you eat, then I'm about to turn into a pepita.

To Write, or Not to Write ... wait, I gotta write, right?
I've been getting increasingly annoyed with myself for not writing anymore, here and just in general, with the exception of anything on the topic of the white hot sexy reconfigurable radio of course (um, yeah, but I get paid for that).  Secretly, I almost want to get fired so I can spend my time writing and photojournaling my stuff, not industry stuff. But, that don't feed the kiddos (at least not yet), so I gotta find a way to work around this whole time barrier. The thing is, I know brilliant men and women who make their dough other ways but always find time to write their stuff. It's like an itch they have to scratch or they go bonkers. And me? I am writing all the time, but solely in my head. If only I could transcribe that stuff before it dissolves into the ether ... that way, I wouldn't get so cranky and mentally beat up on myself until I have to pop a melatonin to shut out that voice in my head so I can get some sleep. Hell, I haven't even written any horribly cheesy poetry in almost 5 years (I'm pretty sure this is a record for me).

A friend (yes, that would be you, James) once told me that I could rationalize anything. It's true. I can. It's a gift. I remember when I got my first brand new car, shortly after we moved to Virginia, and I was so excited to announce it to my friends in the office. Questions ensued. Where was it, they asked? Still at the dealership having the necessary items installed. Air conditioning? No, of course not. I don't believe in excess. I never had air conditioning in my cars in Colorado, why should I in Virginia? (The next seven years of my daily two hour sweat-inducing horribly stifling commute taught me that not all states are as dry as my home state, I assure you.) CD changer? No, there's really no need for anything but the single disk player. I only listen to NPR anyway. Then why? Getting a spoiler put on, of course. Improves aerodynamics and gas mileage.

I'm such a dork.

Anyway, my rationalization, or rather one of them outside my time constraints, is that I haven't lived enough of a life to write a worthwhile book. Hogwash. Writers younger than I are hitting it huge. And besides, I don't need to be a bestseller, I just need to get these stories out of my head an on paper, or bytes, or whatever, so I don't lose my ever-lovin mind. So, I'm now publicly declaring to my two blog readers (I lurve you Kat and James) that I'm finally going to make more of an effort. Part of me is thinking that I may just start writing one of my four outlined books here. A little bit every week. The question is, which one to start on? However, I don't like anyone seeing my stuff until I've picked it apart, thrown it in the trash, dug it out, gingerly wiped off all the coffee grounds and reassembled it in a much improved revised form, thank you very much. So, I may just start taking pictures again of things that inspire me, because, let's face it, we all need inspiration every day to keep on going. And besides, maybe the more pictures you two see of Colorado, the more incilined you'll be to come back out and visit me.

Who knows, we'll see what happens together, k?

Love, peace and happiness,
Me

What do you feel in the simple still of summer nights? I understand, I sympathize for a daydream ... (INXS)

Words cannot describe how much I adore this song for its strength and optimism. Amazing songwriting. Plus the banjo frickin rocks it out! Absolute love.

Happiness is ... new Airborne!
http://www.vertigo.fm/the-airborne-toxic-event/videos/

New Foo! New Foo! :)

You know when you have one of those days ... the days that pull everthing worth anything out of you, make you feel like you're nothing but paper thin skin wrapped around something that people refer to as "you"? You're on autopilot. You're doing your best to breathe, to stay afloat, to make people you see think that you are still that "you" they associate with the figure you see reflected in the mirror day in, day out. Then, while ticking off the myriad things you have to do that day, you hear a song. A song that makes your heart beat again. A song that can make you or can break you. A song that takes you back to a place of such immense pain, and immense passion at the same time, you don't know whether you're going to start breathing again or crumple to a heap on the ground and just give up. I know how you feel.

Feel Good Car Dancing Song of the Week

Super duper random thoughts, by Stephanie Hamill

- Does everyone have those days when you don't feel one bit pretty, and the more people tell you that you look pretty, the less and less pretty you feel? Is that weird or what? You'd think it would be the opposite.
- Did you ever notice that everyone on FB either has super witty, dry-humored status updates, or talks about what they're eating in great detail? What's up with that?

To my two Virginia readers (if you're still there), don't be alarmed by this post. I know it seems kind of negative, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive and still have thoughts on occasion.